Let's text, not talk - are we losing the art of conversation?

Following my “Carnival Queen” post I have received various messages from readers who have experienced similar problems: they have enjoyed chatting to a potential boyfriend/girlfriend online, texts or on the phone but when they have met up they do not have the same rapport.

Why do some people find it more awkward and nerve-racking in face-to-face situations?  Is this new digital age breaking down traditional forms of communication?

Part of the appeal of texting or chatting on the phone is that it is easier and less intrusive.  Dan, who I met at a recent dating event, told me that online he can be whoever he wants to be: a “confident and athletic businessman” who has the world at his feet, he told me.  When he chats to girls on the phone he prepares what he is going to say in advance and what to talk about so he does not get caught short in conversation.  When I asked him how many long-term relationships (i.e. relationships that have lasted more than a year) he has had he told me “zilch.”  He explained that he found it difficult to be himself around girls as he couldn’t keep up his character.

This is what is wrong with the internet and modern technology.  It makes people forgot who they really are – and often it who they really are that a woman falls for, not the character that guy wishes he was.

Constantly texting and chatting on the phone means we lose the essential art of conversation and interpersonal skills that we, as humans, have evolved over millennia.

Dan went on to tell me he found it difficult to talk about difficult or uncomfortable topics in front of another person.

“I would rather talk about my sex life or my family situation on the phone.  When I’m in a relationship I find it hard to talk about our relationship in person and keep my feelings locked in.  I don’t know why but I just feel uncomfortable walking about important stuff when I see girls.  It's painful”

What guys like Dan do not understand is experiencing pain and being in difficult situations with loved ones is part of life.  Writing an e-mail, texting or chatting on the phone may be less painful but these guys are only cheating themselves.  By continuing to do this they are limiting their ability to form long-term relationships since they do not get to practice the art of interpreting nonverbal visual cues.  As with real reading, being able to pick up on body language takes time and a lot of experience.  By not picking up on these skills, moving forward in a relationship can be scary.

Reliance on mobiles and the internet makes it easier to avoid uncomfortable encounters.  Why express sadness or anger in person when you can commiserate or vent in a text?

It is not just about people not being able to talk about trivial or easy issues face-to-face but also emotional stuff.  Bottling up emotions is not healthy and can lead to depression and frustration.  It is important to have someone you can talk to openly about whatever topic.  There is no need to feel embarrassed.  By not having these real world experiences how can we form personal relationships?  This affects everyone in all manners of public life.  Having conversations teaches us to think, reason and self-reflect.

Whilst some people do not like talking to others in person, some people even find phone conversations difficult to manage as they have to pretend to be interested and engaging.  Others find it easier to conceal their feelings by e-mail and text as they can control the conversation and pretend to be interesting by using the various e-motions.  How many people have used smileys in their messages to ensure they do not get misinterpreted?  People can say exactly what they want to say without interruption, hesitation or repetition.  Is this unusual?  I know the older generation would not think twice about sending a message to a friend.  Older couples have their interpersonal skills ingrained in them as they have developed these over the years.  Many young couples who have grown up with text messages and social media think the virtual world is world is reality.

Personally, I have noticed I send more short, silly and random texts and emails than I used to.  Updating girlfriends on things they probably don’t care about like what I’m doing, eating or wearing, for example.  The basic chit-chat is now being lost.  In addition, our attention span is being reduced by our crave for short quick conversations that get to the point.  How many of us get bored when out partner talk for more than 30 seconds?  (Heaven forbid!)

A great example I have witnessed of how social media and texts have been ruining relationships is by writing “I’m sorry” and pressing send.  This is incredibly emotionless.  If the person who is apologising picks up the phone, or better still meets in person, and offers a complete apology this means they are fully aware they have hurt their partner and the recipient can see this in their partner’s eyes and behaviour.  The guilt of the person will result in a compassionate response.  There are many steps that are missed when you send a message.  When an apology takes place over the phone rather than in person, the visual clues are lost but the voice – and the sense of hurt and contrition it can convey – is preserved.

I know a few guy friends who have texted the obligatory “Happy birthday” so they can avoid the fake enthusiasm; or sent a message saying “Working late, sorry” to avoid talking to their girlfriend, especially if they may be out with friends or at home.  For guys, it means we avoid the “How are you?” or any awkward questioning.

I am not saying we should do away with texts (personally, I do prefer to talk to people than text so if I had my way we would do away with it – if you see my mobile phone you will notice how out of touch I am with modern technology) but couples should try and see each other as much as they can.  If you live in different cities or country’s add Skype or Facetime on occasions so you can actually see each other and interact.  Too much texting and emails will affect you.