First time sex

Last night I was at a dinner party event in Kings Cross where I met Gary.  A smart man who told me about his new girlfriend.  Things sounded great between them and he glowed as he spoke about her.  She lives in Southampton and he is based in North West London so they try and see each other as much as they can.   They have been dating for three months but there was one thing bothering him.

“We haven’t done the business yet.”

“Sex?” I asked to double check we were on the same page.

He nodded, “We’re always flirting wildly with each other and when we meet up we stay round each other’s places, sharing the same bed and have fun but she hasn’t let me ‘park my car’ yet.”

I went on to ask him if by not having sex this meant they were not a proper couple.

“Of course we’re a couple.  I see her as my girlfriend and we’re in an exclusive relationship.  We’ve discussed this and we’re happy,” Gary explained, “We’re very happy with each other!”

“Why do you feel you need to ‘park your car’ then?  How do you feel this will improve your relationship?”

“I need it!"

For many modern men we need to be satisfied physically just as much mentally, but when is the right time for a new couple to do it for the first time?  If men had their way it would be within the first half-hour of the first date.  Fortunately, women think with their brains and make us wait (often until sperm is ready to explode from our balls).

Not all girls are hung up on waiting for a specific time frame but it is important that both of you feel comfortable and mutually know the time is right.  Gary and I spoke about how getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy and there is so much at stake the first time.  He’s ready to pounce on his girl the open she says “yes” which is a school-boy error.  Being with someone new is stressful enough because you are worried about what each other are thinking but it is important to accept that mishaps are bound to happen.

Here are some different scenarios when the girl may feel it is right for her, and the both of you.

The first date

Most relationships when sex takes place on the first date are destined to fail.  It gives both people a bad label – more often the woman than the man, sadly.  If you bed someone on the first date you have to ask yourself, “What do I want in a relationship?”  “What does she want?”  If a girl gives out this early on it is too good to be true.

The third date

If she waited about three dates it is still too uncertain to predict how the relationship will pan out.  A lot can happen in only a few dates depending on what you did.  When I reminiscence about one of my ex’s, our first two dates were amazing but afterwards the relationship went downhill.  If she had given herself up on or after the third-date I would have used her for sex.  Seriously!  Men would use a girl for sex and make her think there is more to the relationship.

If you only went clubbing on all your dates then chances are you probably don’t seriously know what makes one another tick.  It’s quite easy to predict when a (sexual) relationship is purely about lust or comfort (e.g. the rebound) rather than genuine desire to get to know the other person.

Two or three months

If your woman waits a couple of months or so, she’s probably a very sharp lady who got to know you and felt that you two were attuned on every level.  You finish each other’s sentences and know what each other is thinking (you must be compatible if you can do this), so sex will hopefully be excellent.   Keep in mind that if you only went on five dates in five months (texts and phone conversations do not count), and she gave it up on the fifth date, then that does not mean she waited five months, that means she waited five dates – a gigantic difference.

I calculate that if both a guy and girl lived in the same city and were able to meet up, in two months they would probably go on about 10 dates.  You have hopefully got to know each other reasonably well and realise whether or not there is a potential future between the pair of you.

Wedding night / Honeymoon

Some girls will wait until the ring is on their finger although that seems to be happening less and less in the MTV generation.  I must admit: I find this admirable.  I know, however, of one couple who put off having sex for this special occasion and were left disappointed by the anti-climax.

Why the let-down?  First off, just as healthy communication and common interests are important in a relationship, so is sexual compatibility if both people think sex is important (or just a bit-part) to them.

If she waits until the wedding night to give it up, she’s a respectable woman with values.  Do discuss how important sex and being intimate is to both of you, especially if one or both of you are virgins.

An exclusion relationship

When starting a new relationship one or both you may still be seeing other people to keep your options open.  If this is the case I would avoid sex at all costs as this will fuck up your relationship and your mind.

One guy I met, Tom, told me how he was dating and sleeping with a girl before she dropped the bombshell to him that she was also sleeping with another man!  It made him feel sick and he left the relationship as he found it difficult to be with a girl who was so open to sleeping around before settling down with someone.

It is important and emotionally comforting to know the person you are sharing your body with is not bedding someone else in their spare time.  This makes sex more meaningful.

As time goes by

For months you’ve been passionately kissing and groping her breasts, but you’re wondering when you’re going to park your car in her garage.  Finally, after 96 days (you know because you’ve marked the days in your blackberry calendar) you won’t be sneaking into the bathroom to finish yourself off anymore as she’s finally let you in!  Was it good?  Was it worth the wait?   Just remember, now sex is on the menu it’s important you’re imaginative and make it just as enjoyable for her as it is for you otherwise you’ll be back to finishing yourself off in private.  Communication (it always comes down to this) is important so talk about sex just as much as you talk about work, friends and other interests.

My friend Heidi enjoyed the long build she had with her current partner.  She told me the long drawn out flirtation led to more anticipation and resulted in really good sex.  Girl’s like Heidi are rational and don’t make rash decisions (which also explains why she’s successful in her job I guess).  They are keeper’s and describes Gary’s girlfriend.

Feeling comfortable and understood

Stripping down in front of someone new can be nerve-racking.  This may explain why some people use their comfort level with being naked as a way gauge if they are ready to go all the way.  Maybe one of the reason’s Gary’s girlfriend isn’t “giving out” just yet is because she’s still getting used to the idea of being naked around him?  Or maybe it is all about being understood and knowing that the both are in sync with each other’s thinking and feelings?

How long can you hold out for?

Men: if you’re dating a woman, why don’t you use your initiative and try holding out yourself?  I know that this will require a lot of control and patience on your part but, you never know, she may end up wanting you more than ever.

There is no “right time” to wait before having sex as we are all different people looking for different relationships at different stages of our life.  I would definitely advice you wait and get to know your partner first.  Why rush things if you know you are going to spend the rest of your life together?

Anticipation is the greatest aphrodisiac.  And the last time I checked, sex was still a sacred experience.