Are men emotionally unavailable?

Since I have started my blog I have had several e-mails from girls asking “Where are all the mature men like you?” or “Why are so many single guys emotionally unavailable?”

If I am honest, I am not surprised to hear women complain about the lack of mature men on the scene.   I have met a lot of them at various single events and nights-out.

To understand why a guy is emotionally unavailable you have to look at their background and what has made them the person they are today.

As a young boy growing up, if I had any questions about relationships or feelings I had for others I would go to my mum.  Even if she was at work and my dad was at home, I would wait for her.  This is a situation familiar amongst many guys of my generation around the world.  This is not because we do not love our dad's but because some dad’s are not good with emotional support; they would try and brush them away or buy their son something, thus spoiling them, to take their mind away from whatever was bothering them.  Asian dads (and Asian men in general) do not show their emotions in front of children and are not very good at discussing them and this is a bad habit many men have picked up.  With mum’s they would show love and emotions, comfort gestures, be reassuring and know what to say.  Mum’s would not go out and buy their son a designer t-shirt to cheer them up.

This is reflected when these boys start dating and try to woo potential partners.  When a sensitive topic is brought up they would shy away from it, and to win girls over they would try and do what their parents did to win them over when they were younger: lavish the girl with gifts, and lots of them!  Unfortunately for many guys, they think the way to a girl’s heart is through material goods and acting like a Bollywood star.  Are men generally unavailable because they do not know how to discuss their feelings?

Some guys do pour out their heart but only after they have drunk a bottle of whiskey!

Some young men are scared of discussing their feelings to their dad from an early age, fearful that their dad will mock him for asking what he perceives as silly questions.  This then affect how these men would then go and talk to other people.  If you are scared of your own dad (essentially, your own family) why would you even show your feelings to a friend, let alone girlfriend?  No alpha-male wants his girlfriend to think they are ‘weak.’

These are men’s fears.  If they open themselves up, they make themselves vulnerable to rejection and worry their partner will think less of them.  Rejection is good as it makes you stronger but for some men they have too much pride and ego.  We learn from our mistakes when we fail a test so why do we not take the same approach to relationships?  If we get dumped by a girl or if a relationship is not going the way we hoped, why not?  More men need to take time to reflect and learn from it.

Girls want someone who is going to be there when they are getting a hard time from their in-laws, having a shitty day at work, or even suffering severe health trouble and need support (e.g. a miscarriage).  A girl does not want a meat-head who knows the number of calories in a chocolate bar but no emotional intelligence.  Granted, a guy may forget to cook dinner when his partner has finished late at work, but what is important are the (small and big) emotional issues: was he there when she had a complete mental breakdown, how understanding was he and did he stay up and chat till the early hours so she went to bed smiling – a burden shared…

It is a question of common sense and making a judgment call, if someone is lazy and does not care, or his only interests are cars or drinking with friends, you have to decide, is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with?  It is about respecting your partner and unfortunately there are few guys who understand this.

When you are living with someone you are not going to give a shit whether they are a 6’4” Greek god or a supermodel if they are more interested in working their abs or watching Coronation Street.  What you want is someone that will provide and protect for the family, discuss important issues affecting everyday life,;as well the fun sociable side.

It is taken for granted that the man will be the main provider for the family when the wife has children so it is acceptable to want someone who is financially secure and emotionally stable.  It is important the man is career focused and focused on bringing food and shelter for the family, and he also mirrors this by spending time with the familyNot someone who spends his entire time in the office and never calls or just comes home for food and sex, and just sees the family as an extension to his ego, show-off to his friends and keep his parents happy.

As I have written this I am aware I am stereotyping.  There are men who do take care of the family, are more involved in raising the children, will job share with the wife so she can pursue the career she worked hard for and talks with his heart and brain, and not just his dick or wallet.

At the end of the day girls are not just looking at the guys looks, they are also looking for quality.  At 21 everyone is superficial and wants a partner who has walked out of a fashion shoot, but as you get older and hit the late twenties/early thirties and you realise what life is all about, you then realise the qualities like support, good morals and emotional intelligence are so much more important than someone good looking – what is important is someone loving, caring and respects the woman and worships the ground she walks on.

Girls, I am sure you will find a guy who is emotionally available soon – you never know, you may bump into him at the bus stop tomorrow morning.