The science of online dating

I logged onto Singles Solutions today to update my profile and I struggled for over an hour to write something interesting about myself, and something that would intrigue girls who click onto my profile.  How or where do you even start to write about yourself as a person in a profile?  It is difficult as we are not deducible to 2-dimentional profiles; therefore, it can be testing to portray who we really are.

I had a look at the competition and all the guys used the same generic adjectives and phrases.


                'I like cooking and an excellent cook...'


                'Regularly go to the gym and play sports...'


                'I'm laid back and can get along with very much anyone'


                'I'm an independent, confident and positive person...'


                '...funny and a great friend to have.'


But it’s not just the guys – a lot of girls used similar sentences:


                'I love my family and my friends...'


                '...funny and passionate in everything I do in life and work'


                '...open minded and love travelling'


                'I am self-sufficient, independent, and honest'


               'I'm someone who would describe themself as unique in one sense...'


If you took away photos and any references to gender in the profiles you would struggle to tell whether the sentences described either an eligible bachelor or lady.


Online dating is like going to the supermarket – you look and examine what is on the shelf before choosing what you want based on the look and feel of what is on offer.  I look at the girls profiles and I am judging them on their appearance.  If they look nice I then read what they have to say about themselves.  This is how men work – we are shallow creatures!


The photo plays a very important role.  A nice smile (why don’t more people smile in photos?) and being appropriately dressed will attract more interest as the person will come across as more genuine and confident – and we all know confidence is sexy.  I am surprised to see so many guys getting this wrong.  Boys (I use the term ‘boys’ here as they are not mature enough to deserve the word ‘men’): women DO NOT want to see photos to you topless, looking drunk, pulling silly faces or wearing sunglasses (girls can tell a lot from looking into someone’s eyes).  Be original.  Why not put a photo of yourself with your friends (with your friends cut out, obviously, so girls know which one is you) or a nice outdoor shot of you in a park, festival or camping, as these outdoorsy/motion shots give an insight into your everyday personality.


On to the actual text of the profile, how do we know what we are reading about the other person is true?


The generic descriptors are easier (e.g. height, occupation, personality etc.) but many exaggerate online – guys will make themselves taller, and girls slimmer.  It’s not just the generic descriptors where people exaggerate.  We are all competing with each other to attract someone from the opposite sex so we will say stuff like “regularly play sport and cook” to give the illusion we are fit and strong when in actual fact “regularly” may mean “once a week.”  The Asian 'meathead' who spends most of the time at the gym or with the boys drinking sharabi (alcohol) may say he is “smart and well read” to attract a lady who his parents would be proud off, but the only thing he could talk to you about is the number of calories in a KFC Bucket or McDonalds Happy Meal!  His profile fails to inform the reader he has no interest in her career and is easily jealous of her success, and would not be able to enlighten or engage her in a discussion on different cultures or topical news because he is not as “smart and well read” as  stated.


When writing your online profile it is important to be as honest as possible about yourself, your interests and what you are looking for, and you will attract the right person for you.


How does online dating affect the physiological process of getting to know a partner?


Matching your personality and values is difficult online as you are just looking at the words the user has written.  The personality questions (e.g. how much do you enjoy the arts;  how often do you watch film/television; do you like the the outdoors; what's your favourite sport; how religious are you) on Single Solutions or AsianD8 or the algorithm sites (e.g. E-Harmony or Shaadi) claim they offer something different.  They try and deduce from what you have answered to be able to find your perfect match.  They may well introduce you to someone of similar interests but meeting someone of similar interests does not mean you will necessarily be compatible or result in a long term relationship.  It is very intuitive that these things matter but what also matters is that the two people click on other levels.  It is important that if you think you have met someone with similar interests and personality to yourself from the profile that you meet up quickly and make your own judgement.


Does the internet offer more than traditional dating (e.g. meeting at a bar, going to an event, through introductions by friends or families)?


In our busy everyday life it gives the men and women more choice and opportunities to meet a perspective partner.  The approach taken by men and women online is different.  A guy will fire off the same generic message to all the women he likes because he wants to keep his options open and, quite often, the guy won’t know what he wants.  Boys: please grow up, decide what you want before you make a move and be more tactful as women are constantly bombarded with messages.  Women are more selective as they are looking for someone who will not only be a good partner and companion, but also get on with her family and friends and is mature and emotionally astute.


What did I write on my profile in the end?  You are going to have to search and find out for yourself…

Wingman bags me an older woman

I was out in East London last night with my friend Mark as part of our traditional Saturday night festivities.  We went to The View for dinner and after our meal we hit the bar for a few drinks.  I’m the only single guy left in my group of friends and when we go out they are always on the lookout for a suitable girl for me.

Standing at the bar I noticed a couple of attractive girls chatting away whilst sipping a glass of wine.

“Which one do you like?” Mark asked, noticing that my attention had been distracted.  I’m easily distracted by women!  Both of the girls at the bar were Asian: one was standing at 5’7” (including her two-inch heels), wearing black leggings and a silver top; the second girl was about 5’6” (also wearing two-inch heels) and was wearing a stylish gold dress.

“I like the look of the girl in gold.”

Mark gave me a nod and whispered, “So you want me to approach the other girl, right?”

Let me tell you something about Mark: he is probably the best wingman a guy could have.  He knows his role to a T!

The first thing a good wingman does is check for competition (i.e. are there any other men checking out the girls and looking to go in for the capture).  This is easy to do.  Mark had a quick glance over my shoulders, “There are no other guys nearby, I reckon we should make our move sooner rather than later.”

He was right.  It was important we approached the girls before anyone else came along and poached them before I had my chance, or if the girls decided to leave the bar all together.

“I’ll go over and make small talk,” said Mark, “Don’t worry.  You’ll be wearing the girl in gold by the end of the night!”

As my wingman, Mark’s interest in either of the girls is irrelevant.  His job is to grab and maintain their interest and make the girl I have my eyes on interested in me.  Mark has a girlfriend (and they are smitten about each other but that’s a story for another time) so knows to keep his physical and mental distance from these girls or his girlfriend will boot him out.

He was chatting with the girls for a couple of minutes before I made my way over to join the party.

“Hey hey, and here’s the main man himself!” Mark said joyfully as he put his arm on my shoulder, “Dude, let me introduce you to Sarah.”

“Hello Sarah,” Sarah was the girl in the silver top.  We gave each other a kiss on the cheek and then I turned to the girl I had my eye on and asked, “And you are?”

“I’m Maria, nice to meet you.” We pecked each-others cheeks and I lingered closely to her so she got a good whiff of my cologne and I could smell her fragrance too – she smelt nice!

We all chatted and laughed as a group.  Mark was making sure that at all times Maria was focused on me and I was centre of attention.  As a good wingman, Mark knows exactly at which moments to bring up good strong stories about me that would spark Maria’s interest in me and make her want to find out more about what’s behind my black-rimmed spectacles.  He told them about my nice apartment in Chelsea and the amazing dinner parties I have hosted, my travels to exotic places and the charity work I have done.  A good wingman will make sure I don’t look like a fool but shouldn’t do all the work.  I made sure I came across as the leader of the pack by getting everyone involved in the conversations, making them laugh and, importantly, enjoying their evening.

Mark was reading my body language (another important job of the wingman) and knew I wanted to get Maria alone.  One of the wingman’s many roles is to distract and take the other girl (in this case Sarah) away from Maria so I had one-on-one time with her.  This has to be done tactfully.  We noticed when Sarah opened her hand bag that she had a packet of cigarettes in there which gave me a lifeline.

“Do you smoke?” Mark asked Sarah.

“Yeah.”

“What about you Maria?”

Maria shook her head.

‘Excellent,’ I thought to myself.

Mark turned to Sarah and said, “Let’s go outside and have a cancer stick!”

I don’t smoke and am not a fan of passive smoke and Mark knows this so whilst he and Sarah were destroying their lungs I had Maria's undivided attention.

As Sarah and Mark walked outside I led Maria to a secluded corner of the bar.  We sat down very close to each other and chatted and laughed with each other like old friends.

“You’re very cute,” Maria told me.

“Thanks.”

“How old are you if you don’t mind me asking?”

“26. Why?”

She laughed again, put her hands on my knee and asked, “How old do you think I am?”

I laughed this time and looked at her in surprise.  She did not look a day older than 30 but I was not going to tell her that.  Whenever I guess a ladies age I will always say 2-3 years younger than what I am thinking to make her feel younger and better.

“Umm, I think you're 27.”

She gave a big laugh this time, “No! Guess again.”

“28?”

“Oh, you are too sweet!”

I put my hands on her knees this time and asked, “How old are you then?”

She moved closer my head and whispered in my ear, “38.”

‘Wow’ I thought to myself. “You look amazing for your age!” I told her.

She smiled and began to move her hands further up on my leg and moved in even closer to me.  We looked intensely into each-other’s eyes.  I moved closer to her.  We started to kiss.

After a couple of minutes we stopped for air and to take our hands of each other.

“How you do like the older woman?” Maria whispered.

“I love the older woman!”

“Why don’t we go back to your place and I’ll give you a master class in the mature lady?” she asked, tilting her head forward and biting my lower lip.

‘Wow’ I thought to myself.  The lady is offering herself to me which I’ve never had before.  I was caught in two minds: do I take her back to mine, have a one-night stand and satisfy my needs; or do I stick to my morals of only sleeping with girls that I’m in a relationship with?

We moved in closer and carried on kissing.  Dam!  She was really turning me on and as an alpha male I was ready to show her my alpha skills.  But one night stands can be potentially dangerous.  How do I know she wasn’t carrying any STIs?  I am very protective of my health ever since I read the STI leaflets in the doctor’s surgery.  I did not have any condoms on me as I was not expecting anything eventful to happen tonight so would have to go and buy some.  But it is not just through intercourse that we could catch something but even oral.  Should I ask her directly when she last got checked and her recent sexual past?

I am looking for a serious relationship but having one night of fun with a random girl won’t affect my search – will it?

We managed to pull away from each other again and she grabbed her drink.  Just as she took a sip from her dirnk Sarah and Mark had just returned from smoking and came over to us.

“What’s going on guys?” asked Mark cheekily as he came to sit next to me and Sarah sat beside Maria.

Maria and Sarah spoke quietly to each other before Maria said, “We’re going to the little girl’s room.  Don’t go anywhere boys!”

As they went I turned to Mark and told him what happened.

“Dude, that’s epic!”

“But I’m not going to bring her back to my place!”

“Why not?”

“I’m looking for a girl closer to my age, not someone old enough to be my mum!”

“Who cares, just have casual fun tonight and get back to dating more suitable girls tomorrow.”

I shook my head and told Mark we had to leave before they returned from the loos.  We looked at the time, finished our drinks and walked out the bar.

“I can’t believe you’re turning down a girl who’s willing to give it to you but I respect your morals dude.”

“Thanks.”

“When you do find a Missus she will be one lucky lady!”

As my wingman for the night Mark did an excellent job in getting the girl for me.  All guys should have a wingman they can trust and knows what they should do.  As for Maria - I must admit I went home horny.  Sex is just sex at the end of the day for me.  It’s also risky have too much fun and frolics with random girls as you never know what you may catch, and the other person may not always be honest about what or who they have or have not done in the past.  In the end, however, I made the decision not to follow through because I want the next girl I sleep with to be ‘The One’ I end up marrying.