Gift ideas for her

For a lot of guys it’s still too early to start thinking about Christmas.  So you don’t make any regretful last minute decisions, here are some gift ideas for the special lady in your life.

Baby its cold outside

Help her stay warm this winter with a nice set of pyjamas.  There are some really cute ones in the shops that will make her feel cosy and snug and your Christmas angel.

Feeling French?

A stylish knitted beret will never go out of style and are a versatile winter essential.  I bought one for an ex many years ago and she still has it and thanks me every year for buying her such a warm and thoughtful gift.  A perfect gift at whatever level your relationship.

Chanel No. 5 perfume

This timeless, classy scent makes her feel elegant and refined.  It’s a legendary fragrance with a delicate floral scent that brings out the romantic in every woman.  This is one gift for the lady.

iPad mini

Out just in time for Christmas.  This smaller, sleeker version of it’s chunky older sibling will be constantly used so it’s value for money.  She can read all her favourite books, but offers more than just a pint sized kindle - scrabble on the tube to work?  For extra  brownie points why not buy her favourite books, magazines or songs so it’s ready for her!

FlipCam

Even if she’s not a technical wizard, she’ll make magic happen with this simple shoot-and-share camera.  They are affordable and fit easily in her holiday bag.

Chocolate truffle gift

I know it’s obvious and stereotypical but oh so true: your girl loves chocolate.  Why not buy her a gift set of various dark, milk, white…etc…chocolate.  As the chocolate melts in her mouth she’ll be melting on you.

Alphabet jumper

How many times does she come over to your and slip on one of your hoodies cause she is feeling cold?  Sure, it’s cute.  Even cuter is a snuggerly jumper with a giant first letter of her name on it!  A simple, no-frills and personal gift will be much appreciated and become an instant favourite.

Magazine subscription

Fashion, pop culture, travel and current affairs – she will be grateful for a yearlong subscription to one of her favourite celebrity gossip magazine.  This reasonably priced coffee-table conversation starter is really a gift that keeps on giving - for 12 months exactly!

Cupcake making kit

Help her unleash her inner domestic goddess.  Give the gift of sugar, spice and everything nice with an assortment of cupcake-making recipes and supplies.

MAC red lipstick

Your lady will love MAC’s red lipstick for those extra-glamorous nights when she really brings the va va voom.  This will unleash the inner glamour and lets her know just how sexy you think she is.

Blanket

Who keeps your girl warm when you’re not there?  (She probably wants me but that’s for another blog).  Let her settle for the next best thing: a comfortable blanket. Every cold winter night she snuggles up in this blanket, she’ll think of cuddling up with me you.

Random message...

Can someone help and explain the following why I've received the following text message:

"Hi, How are you? Amrita xxx"

For those who don't know, Amrita was the airhostess I dated earlier in the year (you can read about my experience with her in 'The Airhostess' entry).  I didn't keep in touch with her after our date as I didn't want to.  I'm looking for a partner, not another friend, afterall.

Why has she sent me a message after 6 months since we last met?

She is interested in me again?

Or is she just being friendly?

After dating countless other guys and comparing them, has she thought to herself that I may be the best one out of the lot?

Is she desperate?

Gift ideas for him

It’s fast approaching that time of year again.  The time of the year when people will be wracking their brains, browsing various websites and window shopping to try and find the perfect Christmas gift for their loved ones to avoid the last minute December rush when all that is left in the shop are paint brushes and washing powder.

Whilst out with friends this lunchtime the girls were all trying to think of something to buy their boyfriends that they haven’t already got.  Socks?  Aftershave?  A jar filled with air?

As girls are more organised, today I will share some tips on what will make your man excited when he unwraps his box on Christmas morning.  Rest ashore, there are no cordless power drills in this list - as much as your man would love it!

Give me some leather!

If you’ve recently started dating someone, a nice leather wallet will go down a treat.  Every man hates a wallet that will not stay closed.  Leather wallets are great for storing all the cards we carry and loose change and notes, and it should be the right size to slip into our back pockets.  Good quality leather products can last forever and never go out of style (which is very important) so you may want to also consider iPad or kindle holders if your man has either of those.

Bathrobe

Is your man someone who likes to walk around the house and relax on a lazy Sunday morning in total luxury?  Why not drape him in a nice stylish bathrobe and spray your favourite perfume on it so when he puts it on for the first time he smells and is reminded of the thoughtful lady who bought it for him?  This is perfect for the long cold winters when he'll be spending a lot of time indoors.

Oh so cosy

Us guys aren’t very good when it comes to looking after ourselves at home which is why we rely on hand-me-down towels and bedding.  If your man is still living at home or you’re not happy sleeping in his cotton bed sheets why not buy him some plush towels or silk sheets (men love silk just as much as women).

Film collection

Who isn’t addicted to Homelands or James Bond?  Your man loves watching them because he wishes he was a spy.  An entire collection would go down a treat for him.

Cologne

Cologne is just as appreciated on the first Christmas together as it is on the twentieth.

Espresso Machine

If you’re in a new relationship I would avoid this but if you’ve been dating for at least a couple of years this will be a good gift as you two know you’re in a sturdy relationship and you’ll both be enjoying the fruits of this gift.  Freshly made espresso at home is one of life’s pleasures.  Don't be surprised if you end up using it more than him and making him espresso in bed!

A classic blazer

Chosen correctly, a smart and versatile blazer can be worn with anything and your man will love it.  This is for the couple who have been together for a while.

Collector’s items

All men hope they discover a rare roman coin whilst digging up the garden or the Holy Grail whist clearing out the attic.  In the meantime, the next best thing is a limited edition watch, first copy of Lord of the Flies or a signed Guns and Roses album.

Music dock

Playing music off a smart phone or laptop is ok but there are so many portable iPod docks on the market that look seriously cool and have great sound quality.  Your man can take this with you next summer when you hit the beach in Newquay or rent a cabin in Lake District.  This gift is a statement so only get this if you’re in a serious relationship and you know you’re going to get that ring on your finger (if you haven’t already got it).

Winter accessories

Unfortunately when it comes to hats, gloves or scarves most men seem to wear items that you would probably find kids wearing on the playground.  Give your man a helping hand and buy him some grown up winter gloves, a thick woolen scarf or a smart seasonal hat.

Fancy a drink?

If you're dating a real man whose favourite tipple on a night out is whisky or cognac then he will appreciate a fine bottle of the stuff.  They vary is price greatly and is perfect at whatever stage your relationship is in.

Sport tickets

All men, no matter what age, love to see their favourite team live.  If he’s not the sporting type why not gift him tickets to see his favourite band.

There is no such thing as the “perfect” gift.  Every man is different, with unique tastes and preferences.  It’s important the gift is thoughtful.  And, at the end of the day, all your man really wants is your company and love.

The one that got away

On Thursday 4 October 2012 I attended a ball at the Intercontinental Hotel, Park Lane, and afterwards I met up with a friend who was at a dinner date event in Mayfair.  She told me a group of them were going to Claridge’s for drink about at 1100pm and invited be to join them.

When I got arrived I said hello to my friend and noticed an attractive girl,  about 5’4”-5’7” in height (she was wearing short heels), lovely soulful eyes, wearing a really nice greyish dress, tights and works as an osteopath.  We all sat in the corner of the hotel bar and the girl and I were getting on like a house of fire.

I was wearing my tuxedo and she asked to try on my bow-tie (I only wear the real-McCoy  - I’m not a fan of clip on bow-ties or fakes).  I removed it and put it on her and we took lots of photos of her wearing it as a funky accessory and also as a hair band.  She looked cute wearing my bow tie and I let her keep it as a memento of our night.

She was there with her friend, Jas, who wore a sexy red leopard print dress and was asking me lots of questions about my job.  Both Jas and her hot osteopath friend were amazing company.

Unfortunately, I did not get the osteopaths name or number!  I am gutted.  I know I should have asked for it but we were so wrapped up in our conversation (and flirting).

I know she’s from west London and had to leave early on Friday morning to fly up to Glasgow for the day for work.

This is my plea to anyone who may know the girl I have written about.  If you know an Asian osteopath who was at a dinner dating event on Thursday 4 October and took away a bow-tie (as well as my heart) and friends with a girl called Jas, and drank a funky coffee cocktail, tell her to get in touch with me via the site.

Thank you.

Let's text, not talk - are we losing the art of conversation?

Following my “Carnival Queen” post I have received various messages from readers who have experienced similar problems: they have enjoyed chatting to a potential boyfriend/girlfriend online, texts or on the phone but when they have met up they do not have the same rapport.

Why do some people find it more awkward and nerve-racking in face-to-face situations?  Is this new digital age breaking down traditional forms of communication?

Part of the appeal of texting or chatting on the phone is that it is easier and less intrusive.  Dan, who I met at a recent dating event, told me that online he can be whoever he wants to be: a “confident and athletic businessman” who has the world at his feet, he told me.  When he chats to girls on the phone he prepares what he is going to say in advance and what to talk about so he does not get caught short in conversation.  When I asked him how many long-term relationships (i.e. relationships that have lasted more than a year) he has had he told me “zilch.”  He explained that he found it difficult to be himself around girls as he couldn’t keep up his character.

This is what is wrong with the internet and modern technology.  It makes people forgot who they really are – and often it who they really are that a woman falls for, not the character that guy wishes he was.

Constantly texting and chatting on the phone means we lose the essential art of conversation and interpersonal skills that we, as humans, have evolved over millennia.

Dan went on to tell me he found it difficult to talk about difficult or uncomfortable topics in front of another person.

“I would rather talk about my sex life or my family situation on the phone.  When I’m in a relationship I find it hard to talk about our relationship in person and keep my feelings locked in.  I don’t know why but I just feel uncomfortable walking about important stuff when I see girls.  It's painful”

What guys like Dan do not understand is experiencing pain and being in difficult situations with loved ones is part of life.  Writing an e-mail, texting or chatting on the phone may be less painful but these guys are only cheating themselves.  By continuing to do this they are limiting their ability to form long-term relationships since they do not get to practice the art of interpreting nonverbal visual cues.  As with real reading, being able to pick up on body language takes time and a lot of experience.  By not picking up on these skills, moving forward in a relationship can be scary.

Reliance on mobiles and the internet makes it easier to avoid uncomfortable encounters.  Why express sadness or anger in person when you can commiserate or vent in a text?

It is not just about people not being able to talk about trivial or easy issues face-to-face but also emotional stuff.  Bottling up emotions is not healthy and can lead to depression and frustration.  It is important to have someone you can talk to openly about whatever topic.  There is no need to feel embarrassed.  By not having these real world experiences how can we form personal relationships?  This affects everyone in all manners of public life.  Having conversations teaches us to think, reason and self-reflect.

Whilst some people do not like talking to others in person, some people even find phone conversations difficult to manage as they have to pretend to be interested and engaging.  Others find it easier to conceal their feelings by e-mail and text as they can control the conversation and pretend to be interesting by using the various e-motions.  How many people have used smileys in their messages to ensure they do not get misinterpreted?  People can say exactly what they want to say without interruption, hesitation or repetition.  Is this unusual?  I know the older generation would not think twice about sending a message to a friend.  Older couples have their interpersonal skills ingrained in them as they have developed these over the years.  Many young couples who have grown up with text messages and social media think the virtual world is world is reality.

Personally, I have noticed I send more short, silly and random texts and emails than I used to.  Updating girlfriends on things they probably don’t care about like what I’m doing, eating or wearing, for example.  The basic chit-chat is now being lost.  In addition, our attention span is being reduced by our crave for short quick conversations that get to the point.  How many of us get bored when out partner talk for more than 30 seconds?  (Heaven forbid!)

A great example I have witnessed of how social media and texts have been ruining relationships is by writing “I’m sorry” and pressing send.  This is incredibly emotionless.  If the person who is apologising picks up the phone, or better still meets in person, and offers a complete apology this means they are fully aware they have hurt their partner and the recipient can see this in their partner’s eyes and behaviour.  The guilt of the person will result in a compassionate response.  There are many steps that are missed when you send a message.  When an apology takes place over the phone rather than in person, the visual clues are lost but the voice – and the sense of hurt and contrition it can convey – is preserved.

I know a few guy friends who have texted the obligatory “Happy birthday” so they can avoid the fake enthusiasm; or sent a message saying “Working late, sorry” to avoid talking to their girlfriend, especially if they may be out with friends or at home.  For guys, it means we avoid the “How are you?” or any awkward questioning.

I am not saying we should do away with texts (personally, I do prefer to talk to people than text so if I had my way we would do away with it – if you see my mobile phone you will notice how out of touch I am with modern technology) but couples should try and see each other as much as they can.  If you live in different cities or country’s add Skype or Facetime on occasions so you can actually see each other and interact.  Too much texting and emails will affect you.

I'm not saying she's a gold digger but...

I have not had much luck lately with meeting girls I can see myself settling with online or from dating events.  It’s not because I have not tried to like the girls but we just have not clicked.   Another reason for me not being able to find Miss. Right is because I’ve met too many girls who are after one thing as my recent phone date illustrates.

I went back to my parents home this weekend and my dad told me about a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend who has a daughter who’s “single and ready to mingle” (only dads can talk like that).  They said she’s 25, studied Geography at Leeds her family live in Kent.  I was given her e-mail address and sent her a message with my number and a photo attached.  I got a prompt reply.

Hiya,

Thanks for the message.  It’s lovely to hear from you and I like your photo!  You’re very cute!! J

I work at Savills in London and live with my parents in Kent…I’ve recently returned from a fabulous holiday in Monaco…it was amazing chilling by the beach and drinking till the early morning!

It would be great to chat.  I’ve got your number saved on my phone…I’ll call you tomorrow after work!

Look forward to speaking with you!

Clare J x

I liked that she called me cute!  Other than that, it’s difficult to form an opinion on someone from just one message.  When she did call me the following day, I definitely formed an opinion of her from the questions she asked me and what she said about herself.

“I’ve heard your family have a few investments in-”

Before she could finish her sentence I had to interrupt her.  “Investments?  Who have you been talking to?”

“My dad know’s someone who knows your dad.”

“Err.  Ok.  Let’s not talk about the family, let’s talk about us.”  I had to change the topic.  It’s not that I don’t like talking about my family but what my family do is private and I am not going to talk about them to someone who is still a stranger to me.

We spoke about the Olympics briefly before she returned to the topic about my family, “How much money did your dad make from the sale of-”

“Woo, easy there cowgirl!  How do you know about that?”

“My dad’s friend told us.”

“Your dad’s friend has told you a lot about my family.  Why are you so interested in the business side so much?”

“Just interested,” she casually replied followed by a giddy laugh.

I asked her about her recent trip to Monaco and she told me about the other holidays she had taken this year.

“I spent the May bank holiday weekend in Dubai which my friend Tony paid for.”

“Did you pay him back?”

“Oh no, he offered to pay and said he wanted to treat me!”

“Treat you?  A guy will not treat a girl for nothing.  He will expect something in return.”

“Don’t be silly!” she chuckled, “He’s nice guy and wanted to take me away.  I’d always wanted to visit Dubai.”

‘Is she a gold-digger?’ I asked myself.  Everything she seems to talk about revolves about money.  Her dad drives nice cars, she enjoys luxury holidays in the south of France and Dubai, and only ever seems to shop in high-end shops.

I changed the topic and we spoke about the latest Prince Harry scandal in Vegas, and then I asked her, “What’s your ultimate dream?”

Without hesitation, “To be on the cover of Vogue!”

“Vogue?”

“Yeah, have you heard of it?”

“I know vogue is Latin for fashion.  I’m also aware Vogue is a chick’s magazine.”

“It’s the best fashion and lifestyle magazine on the planet and I want to be on it!”

Who does this girl think she is?  Cameron Diaz?  I’ve not seen a photo of her – she never e-mailed me one – and I wasn’t going to ask her how hot she rated herself because she probably would have said something outlandish to describe herself.

“That’s very ambitious!”

Clare laughed.  “Yeah, and I expect my boyfriend to be able to afford my lifestyle!  I’ve heard you live on your own in London.  How much do you earn?  If you don’t mind me asking?”

WHAT?!! How and why is she asking me that question during our first conversation?  “Sorry, I’m not going to answer that.”

I wanted to know more about her past so I asked, “Do you mind telling me why you’re single?”

“I get bored of guys easily,” she effortlessly explained, “My ex was a vet but wouldn’t take me shopping and didn’t invite me on holiday with him when he went to the Dominican Republic with his family.  Before that I dated a project manager but he moved to New York but we still keep in touch and he pays for me to visit him in his place in East Village.  I’m actually going there on November for Thanksgiving.”

“Your ex is paying you to visit him?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”

I wonder how many other of her other ex's pay for her to go on holiday.  At the rate this conversation was going I was thinking of buying her a holiday – a one-way ticket to the Moon!

“What’s wrong with expecting to be treated like a Queen?”

“Don’t you think you have to earn that?”

“Don’t you think I deserve it?” I could feel the tension in her voice as she asked me.

“No.  With me you have to earn that-” but before I could finish she interrupted me.

“You’re cheap!”

“What?” How can she call me cheap?

“If you think that then I don’t think I’m right for you and we shouldn’t be talking to each other!”

“You’re dam right Clare!  I’ve not seen a photo of you but I’m sure I could see your picture next to Gold digger in the dictionary!”

“I beg your pardon?!”

And then I heard the cut-off sound – she had hung up on me.

Whoops!  I should not have said that but she had to hear it.  From the questions she asked about my family’s investment portfolio and my bank balance, plus the way she describes her flamboyant lifestyle, she was a girl who expected her man to buy her the world.

Is Clare not aware that she may be labelled a gold digger by others?

There’s nothing wrong for girls, and guys, to expect the best but they have to remember they need to work (hard) for it.

First time sex

Last night I was at a dinner party event in Kings Cross where I met Gary.  A smart man who told me about his new girlfriend.  Things sounded great between them and he glowed as he spoke about her.  She lives in Southampton and he is based in North West London so they try and see each other as much as they can.   They have been dating for three months but there was one thing bothering him.

“We haven’t done the business yet.”

“Sex?” I asked to double check we were on the same page.

He nodded, “We’re always flirting wildly with each other and when we meet up we stay round each other’s places, sharing the same bed and have fun but she hasn’t let me ‘park my car’ yet.”

I went on to ask him if by not having sex this meant they were not a proper couple.

“Of course we’re a couple.  I see her as my girlfriend and we’re in an exclusive relationship.  We’ve discussed this and we’re happy,” Gary explained, “We’re very happy with each other!”

“Why do you feel you need to ‘park your car’ then?  How do you feel this will improve your relationship?”

“I need it!"

For many modern men we need to be satisfied physically just as much mentally, but when is the right time for a new couple to do it for the first time?  If men had their way it would be within the first half-hour of the first date.  Fortunately, women think with their brains and make us wait (often until sperm is ready to explode from our balls).

Not all girls are hung up on waiting for a specific time frame but it is important that both of you feel comfortable and mutually know the time is right.  Gary and I spoke about how getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy and there is so much at stake the first time.  He’s ready to pounce on his girl the open she says “yes” which is a school-boy error.  Being with someone new is stressful enough because you are worried about what each other are thinking but it is important to accept that mishaps are bound to happen.

Here are some different scenarios when the girl may feel it is right for her, and the both of you.

The first date

Most relationships when sex takes place on the first date are destined to fail.  It gives both people a bad label – more often the woman than the man, sadly.  If you bed someone on the first date you have to ask yourself, “What do I want in a relationship?”  “What does she want?”  If a girl gives out this early on it is too good to be true.

The third date

If she waited about three dates it is still too uncertain to predict how the relationship will pan out.  A lot can happen in only a few dates depending on what you did.  When I reminiscence about one of my ex’s, our first two dates were amazing but afterwards the relationship went downhill.  If she had given herself up on or after the third-date I would have used her for sex.  Seriously!  Men would use a girl for sex and make her think there is more to the relationship.

If you only went clubbing on all your dates then chances are you probably don’t seriously know what makes one another tick.  It’s quite easy to predict when a (sexual) relationship is purely about lust or comfort (e.g. the rebound) rather than genuine desire to get to know the other person.

Two or three months

If your woman waits a couple of months or so, she’s probably a very sharp lady who got to know you and felt that you two were attuned on every level.  You finish each other’s sentences and know what each other is thinking (you must be compatible if you can do this), so sex will hopefully be excellent.   Keep in mind that if you only went on five dates in five months (texts and phone conversations do not count), and she gave it up on the fifth date, then that does not mean she waited five months, that means she waited five dates – a gigantic difference.

I calculate that if both a guy and girl lived in the same city and were able to meet up, in two months they would probably go on about 10 dates.  You have hopefully got to know each other reasonably well and realise whether or not there is a potential future between the pair of you.

Wedding night / Honeymoon

Some girls will wait until the ring is on their finger although that seems to be happening less and less in the MTV generation.  I must admit: I find this admirable.  I know, however, of one couple who put off having sex for this special occasion and were left disappointed by the anti-climax.

Why the let-down?  First off, just as healthy communication and common interests are important in a relationship, so is sexual compatibility if both people think sex is important (or just a bit-part) to them.

If she waits until the wedding night to give it up, she’s a respectable woman with values.  Do discuss how important sex and being intimate is to both of you, especially if one or both of you are virgins.

An exclusion relationship

When starting a new relationship one or both you may still be seeing other people to keep your options open.  If this is the case I would avoid sex at all costs as this will fuck up your relationship and your mind.

One guy I met, Tom, told me how he was dating and sleeping with a girl before she dropped the bombshell to him that she was also sleeping with another man!  It made him feel sick and he left the relationship as he found it difficult to be with a girl who was so open to sleeping around before settling down with someone.

It is important and emotionally comforting to know the person you are sharing your body with is not bedding someone else in their spare time.  This makes sex more meaningful.

As time goes by

For months you’ve been passionately kissing and groping her breasts, but you’re wondering when you’re going to park your car in her garage.  Finally, after 96 days (you know because you’ve marked the days in your blackberry calendar) you won’t be sneaking into the bathroom to finish yourself off anymore as she’s finally let you in!  Was it good?  Was it worth the wait?   Just remember, now sex is on the menu it’s important you’re imaginative and make it just as enjoyable for her as it is for you otherwise you’ll be back to finishing yourself off in private.  Communication (it always comes down to this) is important so talk about sex just as much as you talk about work, friends and other interests.

My friend Heidi enjoyed the long build she had with her current partner.  She told me the long drawn out flirtation led to more anticipation and resulted in really good sex.  Girl’s like Heidi are rational and don’t make rash decisions (which also explains why she’s successful in her job I guess).  They are keeper’s and describes Gary’s girlfriend.

Feeling comfortable and understood

Stripping down in front of someone new can be nerve-racking.  This may explain why some people use their comfort level with being naked as a way gauge if they are ready to go all the way.  Maybe one of the reason’s Gary’s girlfriend isn’t “giving out” just yet is because she’s still getting used to the idea of being naked around him?  Or maybe it is all about being understood and knowing that the both are in sync with each other’s thinking and feelings?

How long can you hold out for?

Men: if you’re dating a woman, why don’t you use your initiative and try holding out yourself?  I know that this will require a lot of control and patience on your part but, you never know, she may end up wanting you more than ever.

There is no “right time” to wait before having sex as we are all different people looking for different relationships at different stages of our life.  I would definitely advice you wait and get to know your partner first.  Why rush things if you know you are going to spend the rest of your life together?

Anticipation is the greatest aphrodisiac.  And the last time I checked, sex was still a sacred experience.

Carnival Queen

A couple of weeks ago a girl “waved” at me on Asian D8 – Rupy87, aka Rita, 25, a budding fashion designer from Leicester.  From her online profile she’s 5’6”, size 6 and has a pretty face.  We’ve enjoyed some long and thought provoking conversations on the phone.  One evening she told me about her passion for fashion, “I want to run my own fashion house and move to Spain in the next five years.”

“Sound’s very grand!  Why Spain?” I asked.

“I spent a year out there as part of my course and I loved the country and I feel I can work with the Spanish design and their passion for colour and use it to inspire my creations,” she responded passionately.

I love people who have a hobby that they've turned into there career and have goals on what they want to achieve in life.  Not only was she ambitious career-wise, she also spoke fondly about Sikhism, “I’ve recently rediscovered my religion, learning Punjabi from an app I’ve downloaded and I’m the one dragging my parents to the Gurudwara on the weekends!”

This girl had a lot to talk about and had everything going for her.  I had to meet her!  Earlier this week she phoned and said she was visiting Bow, East London, to see relatives and asked if I wanted to meet her.

“It would be great to meet up, when are you free?” I asked.

“I may be able to escape for a few hours on Sunday.”

“Sunday’s good.  Notting Hill festival’s taking place this weekend so I’ll take you there if you like?”

“Umm, I’m not really into all that.  How about we just meet somewhere for a drink?”

“Sure, we’ll decide on the day where to go.  See you on Sunday Rita!”

We finished our conversation and a date was arranged for Sunday.  It’s a shame she’s not interested in experiencing Afro-Caribbean culture and the feel-good vibe that Notting Hill festival exhorts.  I suppose a leisurely drink is more appropriate on a first date than grinding up against each other on Ladbroke Grove to dancehall music!

Carnival, or should I say date day, had arrived and we had agreed to meet about 4pm outside a coffee shop on Baker Street which meant I could enjoy some of the Carnival before the date.  I was more excited about attending carnival than the actual date!

Carnival was buzzing!  The streets of West London was filled with various stalls, most serving traditional Caribbean dishes such as jerk chicken, rice and peas.  Music flooded the streets.  To celebrate 50 years of Jamaican independence there were old-school reggae tracks from the likes of The Abyssinians, Lee Perry and Bob Marley beating out the sound systems.  Dancing in the streets goes hand-in-hand with Notting Hill carnival and seeing the amazing samba dancers and clothes on show were exquisite!  A fantastic feast for all the senses!

Before I knew it was 3.30.  “Bugger!” I said to myself, realising I only had 30mins to walk or more likely boogie my way through the crowds and hop onto the underground and make my way into central London.

I was excited to meet Rita and was hoping if we hit it off at the coffee shop I could take her back to the carnival with me.

I arrived at the coffee shop with five minutes to spare.  I stood outside the shop and as I leaned against the wall to catch my breath back after my dash across town, a tall girl started walking towards me.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hello? Er, Rita?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, nice to meet you!”

‘Oh bugger!’ I thought to myself.  This was not the girl whose photos I saw on Ruby87’s online profile.  The girl standing before me was 5’10” and staring me right in the eyes – a good four inches taller than what she said in her profile and she wasn’t wearing heals!  I don’t mind tall girls but my limit is 5’8”.  Why would she make self smaller?  This girl wasn’t a size 6 but more a size 14 – I’m not one to mock a girl for her size as it’s all about her personality and from our phone conversations things should hit-off between the two of us.  We ordered our drinks and took our seats but something was not right.  I did not feel any spark or chemistry.  I don’t know if this was because she didn’t look like the girl in the photos or I just was not interested.  I liked chatting to Ruby on the phone but face-to-face was a different matter.  I just didn’t want to engage in conversation with her.  Why is it that you can feel comfortable and talk to someone easily on the phone but not in person?

She told me this was her first time in London so I told her the history of some of its more famous buildings like Horse Guards Parade and St Paul’s Cathedral.  By this stage I was disinterested however.  My feet were tapping on the floor and eager to get back to the carnival.  Was that the reason why I was not enjoying myself with Ruby?  Would I rather be dancing and enjoying myself with strangers in Notting Hill than converse with her?  This wasn’t fair on Ruby and I feel bad to have wasted her time.  I offered her the chance to experience carnival but she said it was not her cup of tea.

After twenty minutes I made an excuse to leave, “Sorry Ruby but I’ve remembered that I have some washing up to do.”  That’s right, I made, what was quite possibly, the worst excuse a girl could ever hear for being ditched!

We said goodbye.  I guess it was not meant to be.  It will not come to a surprise that I returned to the carnival and enjoyed the rest of the parade, before heading back to the flat and finish my washing up.

Are men emotionally unavailable?

Since I have started my blog I have had several e-mails from girls asking “Where are all the mature men like you?” or “Why are so many single guys emotionally unavailable?”

If I am honest, I am not surprised to hear women complain about the lack of mature men on the scene.   I have met a lot of them at various single events and nights-out.

To understand why a guy is emotionally unavailable you have to look at their background and what has made them the person they are today.

As a young boy growing up, if I had any questions about relationships or feelings I had for others I would go to my mum.  Even if she was at work and my dad was at home, I would wait for her.  This is a situation familiar amongst many guys of my generation around the world.  This is not because we do not love our dad's but because some dad’s are not good with emotional support; they would try and brush them away or buy their son something, thus spoiling them, to take their mind away from whatever was bothering them.  Asian dads (and Asian men in general) do not show their emotions in front of children and are not very good at discussing them and this is a bad habit many men have picked up.  With mum’s they would show love and emotions, comfort gestures, be reassuring and know what to say.  Mum’s would not go out and buy their son a designer t-shirt to cheer them up.

This is reflected when these boys start dating and try to woo potential partners.  When a sensitive topic is brought up they would shy away from it, and to win girls over they would try and do what their parents did to win them over when they were younger: lavish the girl with gifts, and lots of them!  Unfortunately for many guys, they think the way to a girl’s heart is through material goods and acting like a Bollywood star.  Are men generally unavailable because they do not know how to discuss their feelings?

Some guys do pour out their heart but only after they have drunk a bottle of whiskey!

Some young men are scared of discussing their feelings to their dad from an early age, fearful that their dad will mock him for asking what he perceives as silly questions.  This then affect how these men would then go and talk to other people.  If you are scared of your own dad (essentially, your own family) why would you even show your feelings to a friend, let alone girlfriend?  No alpha-male wants his girlfriend to think they are ‘weak.’

These are men’s fears.  If they open themselves up, they make themselves vulnerable to rejection and worry their partner will think less of them.  Rejection is good as it makes you stronger but for some men they have too much pride and ego.  We learn from our mistakes when we fail a test so why do we not take the same approach to relationships?  If we get dumped by a girl or if a relationship is not going the way we hoped, why not?  More men need to take time to reflect and learn from it.

Girls want someone who is going to be there when they are getting a hard time from their in-laws, having a shitty day at work, or even suffering severe health trouble and need support (e.g. a miscarriage).  A girl does not want a meat-head who knows the number of calories in a chocolate bar but no emotional intelligence.  Granted, a guy may forget to cook dinner when his partner has finished late at work, but what is important are the (small and big) emotional issues: was he there when she had a complete mental breakdown, how understanding was he and did he stay up and chat till the early hours so she went to bed smiling – a burden shared…

It is a question of common sense and making a judgment call, if someone is lazy and does not care, or his only interests are cars or drinking with friends, you have to decide, is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with?  It is about respecting your partner and unfortunately there are few guys who understand this.

When you are living with someone you are not going to give a shit whether they are a 6’4” Greek god or a supermodel if they are more interested in working their abs or watching Coronation Street.  What you want is someone that will provide and protect for the family, discuss important issues affecting everyday life,;as well the fun sociable side.

It is taken for granted that the man will be the main provider for the family when the wife has children so it is acceptable to want someone who is financially secure and emotionally stable.  It is important the man is career focused and focused on bringing food and shelter for the family, and he also mirrors this by spending time with the familyNot someone who spends his entire time in the office and never calls or just comes home for food and sex, and just sees the family as an extension to his ego, show-off to his friends and keep his parents happy.

As I have written this I am aware I am stereotyping.  There are men who do take care of the family, are more involved in raising the children, will job share with the wife so she can pursue the career she worked hard for and talks with his heart and brain, and not just his dick or wallet.

At the end of the day girls are not just looking at the guys looks, they are also looking for quality.  At 21 everyone is superficial and wants a partner who has walked out of a fashion shoot, but as you get older and hit the late twenties/early thirties and you realise what life is all about, you then realise the qualities like support, good morals and emotional intelligence are so much more important than someone good looking – what is important is someone loving, caring and respects the woman and worships the ground she walks on.

Girls, I am sure you will find a guy who is emotionally available soon – you never know, you may bump into him at the bus stop tomorrow morning.

The First Date: Part 2 - conversations

First dates are nerve-racking occasions: you become more self-conscious about your demeanour, your knees may start to tremble, and you start to get embarrassing sweat marks.  (Or is that just me)?  You may have spoken to her on the phone beforehand but the first time you two actually see each will be a deal breaker.  Picking the right clothes to wear and taking her to a perfect first date location is good but if you do not come across as confident or have anything interesting to say (or worse, discuss the wrong topic or embarrass yourself on your date) you may as well call a taxi for yourself.

Don’t talk about politics

“Don’t talk about politics!”  This is what my family and friends have told me on numerous occasions.  They know I am a nerd and the sort of guy that would ask a girl “What do you think of the UK’s foreign policy” or “Do you think you get value for money from your council tax?”  I have spoken to girls about some weird stuff but I will leave that for another blog.  Politics can be interesting but do not discuss it on the first date.  In fact, only discuss it once you have put a ring on her finger as then it will too late for her to escape!

Avoid her past

There is an unwritten rule that you should never discuss past lovers on a date.  This should be avoided at all costs.  I never raise the topic unless the girl initiates it, which they often do later down the line.  The first date is a new start for the both of you so discussing her irresponsible ex or, even worse for you, the ex she still has feeling for is not the best start.

Family

This is the safest topic in the world.  Although, I will admit I have messed this up a couple of times: “Your sister is hot” and “If you look like you mum when you’re fifty I’ll be a happy man!”  Those are the sort of comments to avoid.  Ask her about her parents and siblings, what they do and family holidays.  Talking about the family usually sets off good feelings inside and shows you have a caring side and are actually interested in her family life.

Holidays

Ask her about her gap year in Australia or charity work in Asia and this will bring back happy memories for her and set her in a good mood.  Even if she has not had the chance to explore our beautiful world, she definitely has dreamed of doing it.  It also tests her willingness to try new things and explore new cultures.  Why not offer to take her away with you, that way she has something to look forward to in the relationship.

Career

One of the reasons I finished with Preeti was because she did not take any interest in my job.  In a relationship it is important that both people understand what each other does for a living and is willing to understand what their job entails and how important it is for them.  Whether she is a lawyer, an artist or still a student, your date will have worked hard to get her dream job, or may still be training and aspiring to achieve her goals.  This is a golden opportunity to encourage and learn more about her career and gives you an insight into her personality.

Friends

Get her chatting about the house parties she went to at university with her friends and what they like to do with each other.  This is important because if the relationship progresses you can raise them with her friends when you meet them and she will be impressed (or embarrassed depending on what she has said) that you remembered.  Also, once you have met her best friend you can ask her directly about any juicy or embarrassing gossip on her!

Hobbies

What does she do in her spare time?  Does she paint, dance or read?  What genre of music does she like?  These are the important questions to ask to establish whether there is any common ground between you two.

…and finally

Remember to be yourself.  There is no need to be nervous.  Talk about whatever you are comfortable with.  The key is to listen to her answers (you should be listening attentively anyway) and form new questions and comments around those.  See the first first-date experience for what it is: a good time with some good company.  Relax, be yourself and have fun.

The science of online dating

I logged onto Singles Solutions today to update my profile and I struggled for over an hour to write something interesting about myself, and something that would intrigue girls who click onto my profile.  How or where do you even start to write about yourself as a person in a profile?  It is difficult as we are not deducible to 2-dimentional profiles; therefore, it can be testing to portray who we really are.

I had a look at the competition and all the guys used the same generic adjectives and phrases.


                'I like cooking and an excellent cook...'


                'Regularly go to the gym and play sports...'


                'I'm laid back and can get along with very much anyone'


                'I'm an independent, confident and positive person...'


                '...funny and a great friend to have.'


But it’s not just the guys – a lot of girls used similar sentences:


                'I love my family and my friends...'


                '...funny and passionate in everything I do in life and work'


                '...open minded and love travelling'


                'I am self-sufficient, independent, and honest'


               'I'm someone who would describe themself as unique in one sense...'


If you took away photos and any references to gender in the profiles you would struggle to tell whether the sentences described either an eligible bachelor or lady.


Online dating is like going to the supermarket – you look and examine what is on the shelf before choosing what you want based on the look and feel of what is on offer.  I look at the girls profiles and I am judging them on their appearance.  If they look nice I then read what they have to say about themselves.  This is how men work – we are shallow creatures!


The photo plays a very important role.  A nice smile (why don’t more people smile in photos?) and being appropriately dressed will attract more interest as the person will come across as more genuine and confident – and we all know confidence is sexy.  I am surprised to see so many guys getting this wrong.  Boys (I use the term ‘boys’ here as they are not mature enough to deserve the word ‘men’): women DO NOT want to see photos to you topless, looking drunk, pulling silly faces or wearing sunglasses (girls can tell a lot from looking into someone’s eyes).  Be original.  Why not put a photo of yourself with your friends (with your friends cut out, obviously, so girls know which one is you) or a nice outdoor shot of you in a park, festival or camping, as these outdoorsy/motion shots give an insight into your everyday personality.


On to the actual text of the profile, how do we know what we are reading about the other person is true?


The generic descriptors are easier (e.g. height, occupation, personality etc.) but many exaggerate online – guys will make themselves taller, and girls slimmer.  It’s not just the generic descriptors where people exaggerate.  We are all competing with each other to attract someone from the opposite sex so we will say stuff like “regularly play sport and cook” to give the illusion we are fit and strong when in actual fact “regularly” may mean “once a week.”  The Asian 'meathead' who spends most of the time at the gym or with the boys drinking sharabi (alcohol) may say he is “smart and well read” to attract a lady who his parents would be proud off, but the only thing he could talk to you about is the number of calories in a KFC Bucket or McDonalds Happy Meal!  His profile fails to inform the reader he has no interest in her career and is easily jealous of her success, and would not be able to enlighten or engage her in a discussion on different cultures or topical news because he is not as “smart and well read” as  stated.


When writing your online profile it is important to be as honest as possible about yourself, your interests and what you are looking for, and you will attract the right person for you.


How does online dating affect the physiological process of getting to know a partner?


Matching your personality and values is difficult online as you are just looking at the words the user has written.  The personality questions (e.g. how much do you enjoy the arts;  how often do you watch film/television; do you like the the outdoors; what's your favourite sport; how religious are you) on Single Solutions or AsianD8 or the algorithm sites (e.g. E-Harmony or Shaadi) claim they offer something different.  They try and deduce from what you have answered to be able to find your perfect match.  They may well introduce you to someone of similar interests but meeting someone of similar interests does not mean you will necessarily be compatible or result in a long term relationship.  It is very intuitive that these things matter but what also matters is that the two people click on other levels.  It is important that if you think you have met someone with similar interests and personality to yourself from the profile that you meet up quickly and make your own judgement.


Does the internet offer more than traditional dating (e.g. meeting at a bar, going to an event, through introductions by friends or families)?


In our busy everyday life it gives the men and women more choice and opportunities to meet a perspective partner.  The approach taken by men and women online is different.  A guy will fire off the same generic message to all the women he likes because he wants to keep his options open and, quite often, the guy won’t know what he wants.  Boys: please grow up, decide what you want before you make a move and be more tactful as women are constantly bombarded with messages.  Women are more selective as they are looking for someone who will not only be a good partner and companion, but also get on with her family and friends and is mature and emotionally astute.


What did I write on my profile in the end?  You are going to have to search and find out for yourself…

Wingman bags me an older woman

I was out in East London last night with my friend Mark as part of our traditional Saturday night festivities.  We went to The View for dinner and after our meal we hit the bar for a few drinks.  I’m the only single guy left in my group of friends and when we go out they are always on the lookout for a suitable girl for me.

Standing at the bar I noticed a couple of attractive girls chatting away whilst sipping a glass of wine.

“Which one do you like?” Mark asked, noticing that my attention had been distracted.  I’m easily distracted by women!  Both of the girls at the bar were Asian: one was standing at 5’7” (including her two-inch heels), wearing black leggings and a silver top; the second girl was about 5’6” (also wearing two-inch heels) and was wearing a stylish gold dress.

“I like the look of the girl in gold.”

Mark gave me a nod and whispered, “So you want me to approach the other girl, right?”

Let me tell you something about Mark: he is probably the best wingman a guy could have.  He knows his role to a T!

The first thing a good wingman does is check for competition (i.e. are there any other men checking out the girls and looking to go in for the capture).  This is easy to do.  Mark had a quick glance over my shoulders, “There are no other guys nearby, I reckon we should make our move sooner rather than later.”

He was right.  It was important we approached the girls before anyone else came along and poached them before I had my chance, or if the girls decided to leave the bar all together.

“I’ll go over and make small talk,” said Mark, “Don’t worry.  You’ll be wearing the girl in gold by the end of the night!”

As my wingman, Mark’s interest in either of the girls is irrelevant.  His job is to grab and maintain their interest and make the girl I have my eyes on interested in me.  Mark has a girlfriend (and they are smitten about each other but that’s a story for another time) so knows to keep his physical and mental distance from these girls or his girlfriend will boot him out.

He was chatting with the girls for a couple of minutes before I made my way over to join the party.

“Hey hey, and here’s the main man himself!” Mark said joyfully as he put his arm on my shoulder, “Dude, let me introduce you to Sarah.”

“Hello Sarah,” Sarah was the girl in the silver top.  We gave each other a kiss on the cheek and then I turned to the girl I had my eye on and asked, “And you are?”

“I’m Maria, nice to meet you.” We pecked each-others cheeks and I lingered closely to her so she got a good whiff of my cologne and I could smell her fragrance too – she smelt nice!

We all chatted and laughed as a group.  Mark was making sure that at all times Maria was focused on me and I was centre of attention.  As a good wingman, Mark knows exactly at which moments to bring up good strong stories about me that would spark Maria’s interest in me and make her want to find out more about what’s behind my black-rimmed spectacles.  He told them about my nice apartment in Chelsea and the amazing dinner parties I have hosted, my travels to exotic places and the charity work I have done.  A good wingman will make sure I don’t look like a fool but shouldn’t do all the work.  I made sure I came across as the leader of the pack by getting everyone involved in the conversations, making them laugh and, importantly, enjoying their evening.

Mark was reading my body language (another important job of the wingman) and knew I wanted to get Maria alone.  One of the wingman’s many roles is to distract and take the other girl (in this case Sarah) away from Maria so I had one-on-one time with her.  This has to be done tactfully.  We noticed when Sarah opened her hand bag that she had a packet of cigarettes in there which gave me a lifeline.

“Do you smoke?” Mark asked Sarah.

“Yeah.”

“What about you Maria?”

Maria shook her head.

‘Excellent,’ I thought to myself.

Mark turned to Sarah and said, “Let’s go outside and have a cancer stick!”

I don’t smoke and am not a fan of passive smoke and Mark knows this so whilst he and Sarah were destroying their lungs I had Maria's undivided attention.

As Sarah and Mark walked outside I led Maria to a secluded corner of the bar.  We sat down very close to each other and chatted and laughed with each other like old friends.

“You’re very cute,” Maria told me.

“Thanks.”

“How old are you if you don’t mind me asking?”

“26. Why?”

She laughed again, put her hands on my knee and asked, “How old do you think I am?”

I laughed this time and looked at her in surprise.  She did not look a day older than 30 but I was not going to tell her that.  Whenever I guess a ladies age I will always say 2-3 years younger than what I am thinking to make her feel younger and better.

“Umm, I think you're 27.”

She gave a big laugh this time, “No! Guess again.”

“28?”

“Oh, you are too sweet!”

I put my hands on her knees this time and asked, “How old are you then?”

She moved closer my head and whispered in my ear, “38.”

‘Wow’ I thought to myself. “You look amazing for your age!” I told her.

She smiled and began to move her hands further up on my leg and moved in even closer to me.  We looked intensely into each-other’s eyes.  I moved closer to her.  We started to kiss.

After a couple of minutes we stopped for air and to take our hands of each other.

“How you do like the older woman?” Maria whispered.

“I love the older woman!”

“Why don’t we go back to your place and I’ll give you a master class in the mature lady?” she asked, tilting her head forward and biting my lower lip.

‘Wow’ I thought to myself.  The lady is offering herself to me which I’ve never had before.  I was caught in two minds: do I take her back to mine, have a one-night stand and satisfy my needs; or do I stick to my morals of only sleeping with girls that I’m in a relationship with?

We moved in closer and carried on kissing.  Dam!  She was really turning me on and as an alpha male I was ready to show her my alpha skills.  But one night stands can be potentially dangerous.  How do I know she wasn’t carrying any STIs?  I am very protective of my health ever since I read the STI leaflets in the doctor’s surgery.  I did not have any condoms on me as I was not expecting anything eventful to happen tonight so would have to go and buy some.  But it is not just through intercourse that we could catch something but even oral.  Should I ask her directly when she last got checked and her recent sexual past?

I am looking for a serious relationship but having one night of fun with a random girl won’t affect my search – will it?

We managed to pull away from each other again and she grabbed her drink.  Just as she took a sip from her dirnk Sarah and Mark had just returned from smoking and came over to us.

“What’s going on guys?” asked Mark cheekily as he came to sit next to me and Sarah sat beside Maria.

Maria and Sarah spoke quietly to each other before Maria said, “We’re going to the little girl’s room.  Don’t go anywhere boys!”

As they went I turned to Mark and told him what happened.

“Dude, that’s epic!”

“But I’m not going to bring her back to my place!”

“Why not?”

“I’m looking for a girl closer to my age, not someone old enough to be my mum!”

“Who cares, just have casual fun tonight and get back to dating more suitable girls tomorrow.”

I shook my head and told Mark we had to leave before they returned from the loos.  We looked at the time, finished our drinks and walked out the bar.

“I can’t believe you’re turning down a girl who’s willing to give it to you but I respect your morals dude.”

“Thanks.”

“When you do find a Missus she will be one lucky lady!”

As my wingman for the night Mark did an excellent job in getting the girl for me.  All guys should have a wingman they can trust and knows what they should do.  As for Maria - I must admit I went home horny.  Sex is just sex at the end of the day for me.  It’s also risky have too much fun and frolics with random girls as you never know what you may catch, and the other person may not always be honest about what or who they have or have not done in the past.  In the end, however, I made the decision not to follow through because I want the next girl I sleep with to be ‘The One’ I end up marrying.