Are men emotionally unavailable?

Since I have started my blog I have had several e-mails from girls asking “Where are all the mature men like you?” or “Why are so many single guys emotionally unavailable?”

If I am honest, I am not surprised to hear women complain about the lack of mature men on the scene.   I have met a lot of them at various single events and nights-out.

To understand why a guy is emotionally unavailable you have to look at their background and what has made them the person they are today.

As a young boy growing up, if I had any questions about relationships or feelings I had for others I would go to my mum.  Even if she was at work and my dad was at home, I would wait for her.  This is a situation familiar amongst many guys of my generation around the world.  This is not because we do not love our dad's but because some dad’s are not good with emotional support; they would try and brush them away or buy their son something, thus spoiling them, to take their mind away from whatever was bothering them.  Asian dads (and Asian men in general) do not show their emotions in front of children and are not very good at discussing them and this is a bad habit many men have picked up.  With mum’s they would show love and emotions, comfort gestures, be reassuring and know what to say.  Mum’s would not go out and buy their son a designer t-shirt to cheer them up.

This is reflected when these boys start dating and try to woo potential partners.  When a sensitive topic is brought up they would shy away from it, and to win girls over they would try and do what their parents did to win them over when they were younger: lavish the girl with gifts, and lots of them!  Unfortunately for many guys, they think the way to a girl’s heart is through material goods and acting like a Bollywood star.  Are men generally unavailable because they do not know how to discuss their feelings?

Some guys do pour out their heart but only after they have drunk a bottle of whiskey!

Some young men are scared of discussing their feelings to their dad from an early age, fearful that their dad will mock him for asking what he perceives as silly questions.  This then affect how these men would then go and talk to other people.  If you are scared of your own dad (essentially, your own family) why would you even show your feelings to a friend, let alone girlfriend?  No alpha-male wants his girlfriend to think they are ‘weak.’

These are men’s fears.  If they open themselves up, they make themselves vulnerable to rejection and worry their partner will think less of them.  Rejection is good as it makes you stronger but for some men they have too much pride and ego.  We learn from our mistakes when we fail a test so why do we not take the same approach to relationships?  If we get dumped by a girl or if a relationship is not going the way we hoped, why not?  More men need to take time to reflect and learn from it.

Girls want someone who is going to be there when they are getting a hard time from their in-laws, having a shitty day at work, or even suffering severe health trouble and need support (e.g. a miscarriage).  A girl does not want a meat-head who knows the number of calories in a chocolate bar but no emotional intelligence.  Granted, a guy may forget to cook dinner when his partner has finished late at work, but what is important are the (small and big) emotional issues: was he there when she had a complete mental breakdown, how understanding was he and did he stay up and chat till the early hours so she went to bed smiling – a burden shared…

It is a question of common sense and making a judgment call, if someone is lazy and does not care, or his only interests are cars or drinking with friends, you have to decide, is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with?  It is about respecting your partner and unfortunately there are few guys who understand this.

When you are living with someone you are not going to give a shit whether they are a 6’4” Greek god or a supermodel if they are more interested in working their abs or watching Coronation Street.  What you want is someone that will provide and protect for the family, discuss important issues affecting everyday life,;as well the fun sociable side.

It is taken for granted that the man will be the main provider for the family when the wife has children so it is acceptable to want someone who is financially secure and emotionally stable.  It is important the man is career focused and focused on bringing food and shelter for the family, and he also mirrors this by spending time with the familyNot someone who spends his entire time in the office and never calls or just comes home for food and sex, and just sees the family as an extension to his ego, show-off to his friends and keep his parents happy.

As I have written this I am aware I am stereotyping.  There are men who do take care of the family, are more involved in raising the children, will job share with the wife so she can pursue the career she worked hard for and talks with his heart and brain, and not just his dick or wallet.

At the end of the day girls are not just looking at the guys looks, they are also looking for quality.  At 21 everyone is superficial and wants a partner who has walked out of a fashion shoot, but as you get older and hit the late twenties/early thirties and you realise what life is all about, you then realise the qualities like support, good morals and emotional intelligence are so much more important than someone good looking – what is important is someone loving, caring and respects the woman and worships the ground she walks on.

Girls, I am sure you will find a guy who is emotionally available soon – you never know, you may bump into him at the bus stop tomorrow morning.

The First Date: Part 2 - conversations

First dates are nerve-racking occasions: you become more self-conscious about your demeanour, your knees may start to tremble, and you start to get embarrassing sweat marks.  (Or is that just me)?  You may have spoken to her on the phone beforehand but the first time you two actually see each will be a deal breaker.  Picking the right clothes to wear and taking her to a perfect first date location is good but if you do not come across as confident or have anything interesting to say (or worse, discuss the wrong topic or embarrass yourself on your date) you may as well call a taxi for yourself.

Don’t talk about politics

“Don’t talk about politics!”  This is what my family and friends have told me on numerous occasions.  They know I am a nerd and the sort of guy that would ask a girl “What do you think of the UK’s foreign policy” or “Do you think you get value for money from your council tax?”  I have spoken to girls about some weird stuff but I will leave that for another blog.  Politics can be interesting but do not discuss it on the first date.  In fact, only discuss it once you have put a ring on her finger as then it will too late for her to escape!

Avoid her past

There is an unwritten rule that you should never discuss past lovers on a date.  This should be avoided at all costs.  I never raise the topic unless the girl initiates it, which they often do later down the line.  The first date is a new start for the both of you so discussing her irresponsible ex or, even worse for you, the ex she still has feeling for is not the best start.

Family

This is the safest topic in the world.  Although, I will admit I have messed this up a couple of times: “Your sister is hot” and “If you look like you mum when you’re fifty I’ll be a happy man!”  Those are the sort of comments to avoid.  Ask her about her parents and siblings, what they do and family holidays.  Talking about the family usually sets off good feelings inside and shows you have a caring side and are actually interested in her family life.

Holidays

Ask her about her gap year in Australia or charity work in Asia and this will bring back happy memories for her and set her in a good mood.  Even if she has not had the chance to explore our beautiful world, she definitely has dreamed of doing it.  It also tests her willingness to try new things and explore new cultures.  Why not offer to take her away with you, that way she has something to look forward to in the relationship.

Career

One of the reasons I finished with Preeti was because she did not take any interest in my job.  In a relationship it is important that both people understand what each other does for a living and is willing to understand what their job entails and how important it is for them.  Whether she is a lawyer, an artist or still a student, your date will have worked hard to get her dream job, or may still be training and aspiring to achieve her goals.  This is a golden opportunity to encourage and learn more about her career and gives you an insight into her personality.

Friends

Get her chatting about the house parties she went to at university with her friends and what they like to do with each other.  This is important because if the relationship progresses you can raise them with her friends when you meet them and she will be impressed (or embarrassed depending on what she has said) that you remembered.  Also, once you have met her best friend you can ask her directly about any juicy or embarrassing gossip on her!

Hobbies

What does she do in her spare time?  Does she paint, dance or read?  What genre of music does she like?  These are the important questions to ask to establish whether there is any common ground between you two.

…and finally

Remember to be yourself.  There is no need to be nervous.  Talk about whatever you are comfortable with.  The key is to listen to her answers (you should be listening attentively anyway) and form new questions and comments around those.  See the first first-date experience for what it is: a good time with some good company.  Relax, be yourself and have fun.

The science of online dating

I logged onto Singles Solutions today to update my profile and I struggled for over an hour to write something interesting about myself, and something that would intrigue girls who click onto my profile.  How or where do you even start to write about yourself as a person in a profile?  It is difficult as we are not deducible to 2-dimentional profiles; therefore, it can be testing to portray who we really are.

I had a look at the competition and all the guys used the same generic adjectives and phrases.


                'I like cooking and an excellent cook...'


                'Regularly go to the gym and play sports...'


                'I'm laid back and can get along with very much anyone'


                'I'm an independent, confident and positive person...'


                '...funny and a great friend to have.'


But it’s not just the guys – a lot of girls used similar sentences:


                'I love my family and my friends...'


                '...funny and passionate in everything I do in life and work'


                '...open minded and love travelling'


                'I am self-sufficient, independent, and honest'


               'I'm someone who would describe themself as unique in one sense...'


If you took away photos and any references to gender in the profiles you would struggle to tell whether the sentences described either an eligible bachelor or lady.


Online dating is like going to the supermarket – you look and examine what is on the shelf before choosing what you want based on the look and feel of what is on offer.  I look at the girls profiles and I am judging them on their appearance.  If they look nice I then read what they have to say about themselves.  This is how men work – we are shallow creatures!


The photo plays a very important role.  A nice smile (why don’t more people smile in photos?) and being appropriately dressed will attract more interest as the person will come across as more genuine and confident – and we all know confidence is sexy.  I am surprised to see so many guys getting this wrong.  Boys (I use the term ‘boys’ here as they are not mature enough to deserve the word ‘men’): women DO NOT want to see photos to you topless, looking drunk, pulling silly faces or wearing sunglasses (girls can tell a lot from looking into someone’s eyes).  Be original.  Why not put a photo of yourself with your friends (with your friends cut out, obviously, so girls know which one is you) or a nice outdoor shot of you in a park, festival or camping, as these outdoorsy/motion shots give an insight into your everyday personality.


On to the actual text of the profile, how do we know what we are reading about the other person is true?


The generic descriptors are easier (e.g. height, occupation, personality etc.) but many exaggerate online – guys will make themselves taller, and girls slimmer.  It’s not just the generic descriptors where people exaggerate.  We are all competing with each other to attract someone from the opposite sex so we will say stuff like “regularly play sport and cook” to give the illusion we are fit and strong when in actual fact “regularly” may mean “once a week.”  The Asian 'meathead' who spends most of the time at the gym or with the boys drinking sharabi (alcohol) may say he is “smart and well read” to attract a lady who his parents would be proud off, but the only thing he could talk to you about is the number of calories in a KFC Bucket or McDonalds Happy Meal!  His profile fails to inform the reader he has no interest in her career and is easily jealous of her success, and would not be able to enlighten or engage her in a discussion on different cultures or topical news because he is not as “smart and well read” as  stated.


When writing your online profile it is important to be as honest as possible about yourself, your interests and what you are looking for, and you will attract the right person for you.


How does online dating affect the physiological process of getting to know a partner?


Matching your personality and values is difficult online as you are just looking at the words the user has written.  The personality questions (e.g. how much do you enjoy the arts;  how often do you watch film/television; do you like the the outdoors; what's your favourite sport; how religious are you) on Single Solutions or AsianD8 or the algorithm sites (e.g. E-Harmony or Shaadi) claim they offer something different.  They try and deduce from what you have answered to be able to find your perfect match.  They may well introduce you to someone of similar interests but meeting someone of similar interests does not mean you will necessarily be compatible or result in a long term relationship.  It is very intuitive that these things matter but what also matters is that the two people click on other levels.  It is important that if you think you have met someone with similar interests and personality to yourself from the profile that you meet up quickly and make your own judgement.


Does the internet offer more than traditional dating (e.g. meeting at a bar, going to an event, through introductions by friends or families)?


In our busy everyday life it gives the men and women more choice and opportunities to meet a perspective partner.  The approach taken by men and women online is different.  A guy will fire off the same generic message to all the women he likes because he wants to keep his options open and, quite often, the guy won’t know what he wants.  Boys: please grow up, decide what you want before you make a move and be more tactful as women are constantly bombarded with messages.  Women are more selective as they are looking for someone who will not only be a good partner and companion, but also get on with her family and friends and is mature and emotionally astute.


What did I write on my profile in the end?  You are going to have to search and find out for yourself…

Wingman bags me an older woman

I was out in East London last night with my friend Mark as part of our traditional Saturday night festivities.  We went to The View for dinner and after our meal we hit the bar for a few drinks.  I’m the only single guy left in my group of friends and when we go out they are always on the lookout for a suitable girl for me.

Standing at the bar I noticed a couple of attractive girls chatting away whilst sipping a glass of wine.

“Which one do you like?” Mark asked, noticing that my attention had been distracted.  I’m easily distracted by women!  Both of the girls at the bar were Asian: one was standing at 5’7” (including her two-inch heels), wearing black leggings and a silver top; the second girl was about 5’6” (also wearing two-inch heels) and was wearing a stylish gold dress.

“I like the look of the girl in gold.”

Mark gave me a nod and whispered, “So you want me to approach the other girl, right?”

Let me tell you something about Mark: he is probably the best wingman a guy could have.  He knows his role to a T!

The first thing a good wingman does is check for competition (i.e. are there any other men checking out the girls and looking to go in for the capture).  This is easy to do.  Mark had a quick glance over my shoulders, “There are no other guys nearby, I reckon we should make our move sooner rather than later.”

He was right.  It was important we approached the girls before anyone else came along and poached them before I had my chance, or if the girls decided to leave the bar all together.

“I’ll go over and make small talk,” said Mark, “Don’t worry.  You’ll be wearing the girl in gold by the end of the night!”

As my wingman, Mark’s interest in either of the girls is irrelevant.  His job is to grab and maintain their interest and make the girl I have my eyes on interested in me.  Mark has a girlfriend (and they are smitten about each other but that’s a story for another time) so knows to keep his physical and mental distance from these girls or his girlfriend will boot him out.

He was chatting with the girls for a couple of minutes before I made my way over to join the party.

“Hey hey, and here’s the main man himself!” Mark said joyfully as he put his arm on my shoulder, “Dude, let me introduce you to Sarah.”

“Hello Sarah,” Sarah was the girl in the silver top.  We gave each other a kiss on the cheek and then I turned to the girl I had my eye on and asked, “And you are?”

“I’m Maria, nice to meet you.” We pecked each-others cheeks and I lingered closely to her so she got a good whiff of my cologne and I could smell her fragrance too – she smelt nice!

We all chatted and laughed as a group.  Mark was making sure that at all times Maria was focused on me and I was centre of attention.  As a good wingman, Mark knows exactly at which moments to bring up good strong stories about me that would spark Maria’s interest in me and make her want to find out more about what’s behind my black-rimmed spectacles.  He told them about my nice apartment in Chelsea and the amazing dinner parties I have hosted, my travels to exotic places and the charity work I have done.  A good wingman will make sure I don’t look like a fool but shouldn’t do all the work.  I made sure I came across as the leader of the pack by getting everyone involved in the conversations, making them laugh and, importantly, enjoying their evening.

Mark was reading my body language (another important job of the wingman) and knew I wanted to get Maria alone.  One of the wingman’s many roles is to distract and take the other girl (in this case Sarah) away from Maria so I had one-on-one time with her.  This has to be done tactfully.  We noticed when Sarah opened her hand bag that she had a packet of cigarettes in there which gave me a lifeline.

“Do you smoke?” Mark asked Sarah.

“Yeah.”

“What about you Maria?”

Maria shook her head.

‘Excellent,’ I thought to myself.

Mark turned to Sarah and said, “Let’s go outside and have a cancer stick!”

I don’t smoke and am not a fan of passive smoke and Mark knows this so whilst he and Sarah were destroying their lungs I had Maria's undivided attention.

As Sarah and Mark walked outside I led Maria to a secluded corner of the bar.  We sat down very close to each other and chatted and laughed with each other like old friends.

“You’re very cute,” Maria told me.

“Thanks.”

“How old are you if you don’t mind me asking?”

“26. Why?”

She laughed again, put her hands on my knee and asked, “How old do you think I am?”

I laughed this time and looked at her in surprise.  She did not look a day older than 30 but I was not going to tell her that.  Whenever I guess a ladies age I will always say 2-3 years younger than what I am thinking to make her feel younger and better.

“Umm, I think you're 27.”

She gave a big laugh this time, “No! Guess again.”

“28?”

“Oh, you are too sweet!”

I put my hands on her knees this time and asked, “How old are you then?”

She moved closer my head and whispered in my ear, “38.”

‘Wow’ I thought to myself. “You look amazing for your age!” I told her.

She smiled and began to move her hands further up on my leg and moved in even closer to me.  We looked intensely into each-other’s eyes.  I moved closer to her.  We started to kiss.

After a couple of minutes we stopped for air and to take our hands of each other.

“How you do like the older woman?” Maria whispered.

“I love the older woman!”

“Why don’t we go back to your place and I’ll give you a master class in the mature lady?” she asked, tilting her head forward and biting my lower lip.

‘Wow’ I thought to myself.  The lady is offering herself to me which I’ve never had before.  I was caught in two minds: do I take her back to mine, have a one-night stand and satisfy my needs; or do I stick to my morals of only sleeping with girls that I’m in a relationship with?

We moved in closer and carried on kissing.  Dam!  She was really turning me on and as an alpha male I was ready to show her my alpha skills.  But one night stands can be potentially dangerous.  How do I know she wasn’t carrying any STIs?  I am very protective of my health ever since I read the STI leaflets in the doctor’s surgery.  I did not have any condoms on me as I was not expecting anything eventful to happen tonight so would have to go and buy some.  But it is not just through intercourse that we could catch something but even oral.  Should I ask her directly when she last got checked and her recent sexual past?

I am looking for a serious relationship but having one night of fun with a random girl won’t affect my search – will it?

We managed to pull away from each other again and she grabbed her drink.  Just as she took a sip from her dirnk Sarah and Mark had just returned from smoking and came over to us.

“What’s going on guys?” asked Mark cheekily as he came to sit next to me and Sarah sat beside Maria.

Maria and Sarah spoke quietly to each other before Maria said, “We’re going to the little girl’s room.  Don’t go anywhere boys!”

As they went I turned to Mark and told him what happened.

“Dude, that’s epic!”

“But I’m not going to bring her back to my place!”

“Why not?”

“I’m looking for a girl closer to my age, not someone old enough to be my mum!”

“Who cares, just have casual fun tonight and get back to dating more suitable girls tomorrow.”

I shook my head and told Mark we had to leave before they returned from the loos.  We looked at the time, finished our drinks and walked out the bar.

“I can’t believe you’re turning down a girl who’s willing to give it to you but I respect your morals dude.”

“Thanks.”

“When you do find a Missus she will be one lucky lady!”

As my wingman for the night Mark did an excellent job in getting the girl for me.  All guys should have a wingman they can trust and knows what they should do.  As for Maria - I must admit I went home horny.  Sex is just sex at the end of the day for me.  It’s also risky have too much fun and frolics with random girls as you never know what you may catch, and the other person may not always be honest about what or who they have or have not done in the past.  In the end, however, I made the decision not to follow through because I want the next girl I sleep with to be ‘The One’ I end up marrying.

The First Date: Part 1 - ideas

A close friend recently moaned about some of her boring first dates and how unoriginal guys are when it comes to venues and conversations.  Many guys go for the tried and tested dinner or coffee scenario.  This is fine but too easy and isn’t going to make the date one she’s going to remember.  When taking a girl out you don’t want to be like the other boys – you want to be the man.

We take our time to make sure we are dressed to impress but that won’t mean a thing if you fail to impress with an original and fun date.  A good first date allows for conversation and takes pressure of the two of you to constantly talk.

Remember:  actions speak louder than words.  Before I went on a date with Kush, she told me on the phone she was broadminded, but when it came down to trying a new dish, she wasn’t interested.  What does this show?  It shows that she was not what she claimed to be.  No-one wants to waste their time with someone who isn’t who they say they are, and who isn’t fun and interesting from the start.

With the help of my friend (thank you J), we’ve compiled a list of first date ideas that will make her want to spend even more quality time with you!

Go-karting

Who’s a better driver – boys or girls?  Go karting is a fairly cheap and an exciting day out.  Plus you can show that your speeding points were worth it!

Bowling

No matter how awful you may be, bowling is fun!  The friendly atmosphere will make your date feel relaxed and comfortable, which is important.  If she’s comfortable, she’ll have more fun, and if she’s having fun you’ll have a second date.

Snooker / pool club

Why not suggest “Whoever loses has to cook dinner?”  And just like that, you’ve got yourself a second date – but make sure you lose so you can impress her with your culinary skills.  There’s no need to be macho competitive this early – you can show her your manly skills on the third date!

Mini golf / driving range

This is a great daytime date; and it doesn’t matter if either of you don’t know the difference between a wedge and a sandwich.  If she’s not a golfer, helping her with her swing is a great opportunity to get up close and personal!

Country walk

I love the great outdoors and there is nothing better than exploring the great outdoors with your date.  Most girls I know love walking in intriguing and picturesque places.  This will suit the cute surfer girl from Cornwall more than the high-maintenance daddy’s girl (the one who always wears 5 inch heels and prefers expensive champagne at the Dorchester over homemade cider).  This is a great way to take the lead and show off what you’ve learnt from watching Bear Grylls.

Play the tourist

We often take where we live for granted.  So why not find out what exciting local festivals, events and sightseeing tours are worth seeing and show off your home city.

Zoo / Aquarium

Don’t think that going to the zoo is for children – they are great places for a first, second or even third date.  Going for a leisurely walk around the monkey and lion enclosures in the zoo or seeing colourful, playful and weird fish will keep the pair of you interested and broaden both your minds.  Girls love learning new things and she’ll tell all her friends about what an amazing day she had with you.

Music concert

How many times have you asked your date “What music do you like?”  Everyone loves music so why not find out what she’s into and find a local music show so you two can share each other’s company over her favourite sounds.  Word of warning, if her favourite music is rock I would avoid the show as you don’t want to end up in the mosh pit!  It’s happened to me and I didn’t look good!

The beach

This is the perfect way to enjoy the sun, play games and flirt – you may even get to see her in a bikini!  If she’s not game, there will be enough eye-candy (for both of you)!

Picnic

This is my favourite, and like going to the beach, it’s a relaxing day out. Pack some homemade sandwiches and a flask of tea and share intelligent and casual conversations in each other’s company whilst also appreciating the surroundings.  She will love this - trust me!

Theme park

Alton Towers and Thorpe Park have targeted themselves to grown-ups and couples of the years.  She will love the adrenaline rush of being on Nenemis, and she’ll remember you forever if you win her a teddy bear from a stall!

Casino

Money brings power, and women are attracted to this.  Take her to the casino and play the roulette wheel, or get her to blow your dice before you roll on Craps.  You will feel like James Bond and she can be your bond girl.  Warning: casinos’ are no place for the weak and the poor so don’t take your date there if you cannot afford to as you will lose more than you bargained for.

Balloon ride

There is nothing like seeing the world from a bird’s eye view – stunning!

Roof garden

Taking your date to the highest point in the city can be exhilarating for both of you.  Many hotels and restaurants have roof gardens for people to enjoy the view – especially at night.  Going to one by the seaside will be amazing as you two can watch the sun set and see the tide come in from a high vantage point – beautiful!

These first date ideas provide the right balance of conversation and pleasant distractions.  Do get to know the girl first – her interests and her personality – before the date as each activity suit every person differently.  Enjoy!

Shopping for a break-up

Recently I’ve found Preeti really boring and too predictable.  Our conversations go along these lines: we would talk about work, she would tell me what she had for dinner, the latest fashion trends in Cosmo magazine, what happened in the latest episode of EastEnders and… nothing else!  She only wants to talk about stuff that interests her.  She’s not interested in my job, she doesn’t socialise and go out in Birmingham very often so has no gossip to share,  and, despite working in corporate finance, when I wanted to discuss the latest issues in Greece and the Single Currency or other current affairs topics she wasn’t interested.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” was her response when I raised the topic.

“Umm, sure, what do you want to talk about then?”

Silence.

She’s a girl with very few interests which doesn’t appeal to me.  This was not the fun and bubbly girl I met at zumba but before finishing it with her I wanted to give her one more chance.  On Saturday I went up to Birmingham and suggested we meet for lunch.  We met outside Birmingham New Street station and made our way to Bull Ring shopping centre.

“Let’s pop into Selfridges as I want to see the make-up counter.”

“Err-” before I even had a chance to think and tell her I would rather stub my toe than walk around the beauty department of a shop she was off towards Selfridges like a dog chasing a bone, and I had to pace up to catch-up with her.  Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this girl?  Did she not learn from our first date that shopping is not a great way for the two of us to get to know each other better?

I was keen to get us somewhere quiet (anywhere other than a shop) so we could chat but it wasn’t happening.  She was trying on various make-up stuff (excuse my naivety but as you can expect I don’t know nor do I care too much about women’s make-up) and chatted away to the girls at the counter like old friends.  Whilst all this was taking place I stood by a giant lipstick display looking like a dipstick!

Fifteen minutes later we eventually left the make-up section and… went to the clothes department!

“Would you like to go outside for a walk Preeti?”

She wasn’t listening “O, look at this.” She picked up a nice stripy red top, put it in front of her and looked in the adjacent mirror.  This was shit.  I wasn’t enjoying myself and it was blatant Preeti was more interested in revamping her wardrobe and beauty collection than seeing if things could work between the two of us.

I got out my phone and pretended I had a message, “Preeti, I’ve just received a message from a friend and I have to dash back to London.”

“Don’t you want to hang around?”

“Sorry about this.”

“Oh,” She looked sad which surprised me, “oh, ok, I’ll walk you back to the station.”

We walked back to the station and on the way she took every opportunity to comment on the window displays of the various shops.   I didn’t say anything.

We arrived at the station and said goodbye to each other.  As I walked to the platform I was disappointed that Preeti did not turn out to be the girl I hoped for.  Did I give her (and us) enough time to see if this relationship would work?  Have I made a mistake to break-up with a girl over shopping for make-up?



*PS. Ladies, when it comes to make-up to attract guys, all you need to put on is nice eye liner and red lip stick.  Men are easy to please when it comes to appearance!

Should men be more feminist?

Preeti and I have been chatting everyday since we met and it turns out she’s a strong feminist.  She told me about the issues she’s had to deal with from other men in her family and the work she does for the feminist movement.  She told me about an argument she had with her brother when he returned home from work one evening this week and asked her “What have you made for me?”  To which Preeti went into a rage and asked him “Why do you always expect mum or me to do stuff for you?  Why don’t you get off your backside and help out for a change?”  I was surprised to hear about this side of Preeti as she seemed like a girly-girl from first-impressions; although it’s good to see different sides of a person.

This got me thinking about so-called modern men and do they understand the role of today’s 21^st Century women and feminist issues?

For the majority, when you’re in a relationship it is about being respected and valued, which is what most women crave for as many girls don’t get it from their fathers or some members of the family.

There are some girls, for whom, when they start seeing a guy they come across as strong feminists as they are laying their ground rules but once they start getting to know the guy they start to relax.  This no longer becomes an issue if they know the guy they are seeing is very modern, respectful to everyone, including respectful to women – she won’t need to worry about it anymore.  She will move on and focus on the relationship side, continue building her career, and sharing moments together with her man.

To understand a person you need to understand their circumstances; thus, some women are going to come across as strong feminists.  Men need to understand this and understand that the modern woman is very different to the ones off our mothers and grand-mothers generations.  To give a couple of examples: she will want to continue with the career she studied and worked hard for, and want to socialise and drink with her girlfriends and men in her social circle.  This is by no-means a list of the feminist issues of today but it is important men understand where their girlfriend is coming from.

If a man doesn’t know about feminism, why not?  They should also believe in equal rights of women.  It’s a massive issue within the community as women are treated like shit, and unfortunately they are often treated like this by other women in the family.  Father-in-laws are often very good and tend to be quite respectable; it is the mother-in-laws that are complete dragons.  Which is a big shame as it is putting women-against-women.

Often it boils down to self-esteem.  Women who are bullied and treated badly at home and not given a voice by other men and women in the family will struggle to elevate their own values.  For example, look at the bully on the school playground, one of the reasons they become a bully is because they have low self-esteem.  If a woman is mistreated in the family by relatives or in-laws, one of the ways they are going to elevate their own value is by stamping on the person below them in the food-chain because it gives them a sense of self-worth in a way – but they are just bullies at the end of the day.  Another factor is that they want to control their family and if they don’t they know they will get blamed as often blame will fall on the feet of women.

Unfortunately, there are some backward thinking families for whom, if a girl is too career orientated or social, the future mother-in-law may want to squeeze this out of her and make her a housewife.  Why should a woman give up her career, friends or hobbies to put roti on her husband’s plate?

Maybe Asian girls are strong feminists and this has gone into over drive because of what they have witnessed growing up.  It is important that Asian guys acknowledge this and stop acting like mummy’s boys and understand where their future girlfriend or wife (or more likely ex- as many guys lack mental and emotional maturity) is coming from.